26.12.2017

Heya

I'm finally in some shape to write. I've been taking some time off the internet since Jonghyun's death. I know it's been a long time already but i got really affected by it. He had an amazing voice and a kind heart. He was also an open supporter of the LGBT+ community which is quite unusual in Korea. He was an inspiration and a shining star. He still is the latter, but just shines in a different place.
Not to dwell in sorrow anymore, I've been spending the holidays with my family and relatives. It's been nice taking some time off school, but I've ended up in some really awkward table conversations. Can't blame the relatives though, since over half of them don't know, and I'm not ready to tell yet.
I hope you all have peaceful holidays, even if you don't celebrate Christmas. 
Song of the day: Lee Hi - Breathe

3.12.2017

Cleaning room, cleaning thoughts

Double post today, because I've been thinking a lot of stuff while cleaning. I emptied my closet to arrange my clothes again, and then the age old question popped in my head; what do boys wear. I was looking at my skinny jeans, pondering if boys wear this stuff. Then I remembered my boy Jimin, and that he definitely does. Rock stars, emos, everyone wears skinny jeans, so they were clear. Then it was time to look at my shirts. T-shirts, button-ups,  sweaters, hoodies, all that jazz. I stopped at my button-up with a cat pattern. ''Can a boy wear something like this?''. I decided to keep it. My closet was all clear. Then I tried on a few outfits, and my favorite turned out to be blue jeans with iron-on patches, a black t-shirt with some text on it, round glasses and an over-sized denim jacket. I looked at the things like ''these were all bought from the girl's section'', no way i could wear them. But i liked the outfit so i was really conflicted. I went back and forth with it for quite a long time until i realized that it's nobody's business what i wear. I can wear what i want. I can wear clothes that i like and what I think look good on me. It doesn't matter if someone thinks otherwise. (still somehow everyday i manage to worry myself with what others might think) BUT you won't do it, right? You'll be your lovely self no matter what anyone else thinks!

2.12.2017

HELLO FELLOW PEEPS

SUPER GOOD NEWS!!!!
Remember that contest we participated in ( the video is still watchable :3)
Well, we came second!!!!
I couldn't be happier, we had an awesome team, and the whole time I had the feeling it was gonna be something awesome. I didn't allow myself to dream of any prize tho, thinking I would jinx it. Apparently it worked! My thanks to the group, who made it possible. Hopefully we can do some great things together in the future!
(Also I've spent the whole day watching MMA and yesterday i watched MAMA awards, and boy am i happy for BTS)
song of the day: BTS- Spring Day

13.11.2017

All Finns heads up!

WATCH THIS DOCUMENT
It said a lot of things i  have to say, and i highly recommend watching it. It's only 10 minutes long, so it might be a little less scary than 75 minutes of old people talking about the deep philosophical and psychological questions behind all that.
Everyone has 10 minutes for an important cause. Everyone has 10 minutes to understand someone close to them better. Everyone has 10 minutes to listen to someone's story.
I'm sorry it's only Finnish, and there aren't even subtitles for it :(
Watch here
You can also enjoy a song
Song of the day: Sonata Arctica - Paid In Full

Casual talk

I haven't had much to write about, thus the silence. Insecurities and loss of self esteem, who wants to read about that?
Now i have a little update for you. Our band has really started,  we've had rehearsals about four times now, and we're doing good We are doing coversongs for now, but I've been writing some lyrics of my own. I want to discuss one possible issue with this.
I'm a trans male pre-t, and i'm the vocalist of the band, so obviously i sound like a girl. This was a huge issue for me in the beginning, still is a little. If we perform anywhere, the people listening to us will be like, ''How refreshing to have a metal band with a female vocalist''
So i'm a little bit troubled
Also because when i at one point start my hormonal treatment, my voice will change a lot, and we possibly have to have weeks of break before i'm able to sing again. I have to learn to know my voice all over again.
But before that, i sound like a girl. But i came to a realization. It's nobody's business but mine. I'm a man, no matter what i sound like. my inspiration with this thought has been Chasing Fireflies on Youtube. He's awesome! Definitely check him out!
We'll continue training, you have a good day.
Song of the day: Chase - Glide

29.10.2017

!!!

As you can see, a video has popped up on the front page, and yes, it is the final piece! The video looks so good! It has been sent to the competition and now we can only hope for the best. I also made some English subtitles for the video, they should be found there. Also notify me if you find something there that's not correct. Some of the parts were written in such a difficult way, and my friend even read a part of the actual law, so it was very difficult to translate. I also did it preetty fast and there were some Finnish words that just don't translate well to English. You should definitely watch the video and tell me if you enjoyed it! (also sub to the yt channel, so the dude can get his paycheck) (Seriously he's a great guy tho) (He shot and edited the whole thing amongst other things)
I liked our whole team, and we got a great result. All in all, would do again, and hopefully can. If nothing else, our band's musicvideos next *eye emoji* *another eye emoji*

Song of the day: Get Scared - Sarcasm

18.10.2017

First day of shooting behind!

OH and I'm still so stoked!! We had our first day of shooting the video yesterday, and even though it was a (very VERY) long day, and I didn't get much sleep last night, I wouldn't change anything. I was home around 11 p.m, and this morning ( like every morning) I woke up at 4.45 a.m. The important part is, that I woke up in a super good mood. I'm not a morning person so usually the things going through my head when my alarm goes off aren't pretty. We have a super good team, and though I'm still a tad worried about my own face, everything and everyone else are working so well.
So far I've seen a few photos from the shoot, and everything looks awesome. Can't wait to be there again on Thursday!

Have a good day!
Song of the day - Fall Out Boy - Novocaine

16.10.2017

Some evening chit-chat!

Heya dudes and dudettes and everyone inbetween.  I'm feeling stoked because tomorrow we are going to start filming a project to spread awareness about trans ppl in Finland. It'll be in finnish, but i promise to make subtitles for it as soon as its out! It is originally for a competition, and we could actually win some money. It would be great, because i could use the money some school books (because the money comes in giftcards, and one happens to be for the store i buy my books from). The money is NOT the reason for me to do the video, but spreading the word. The theme of the competition is something like ''is Finland equal?'' and our video's theme is that it aint. I'm sssuuper nervous though because i can't speak and the camera doesn't like my face that much ':)

I've also thought about writing down my dreams again. I've done it before, but stopped because i didn't have the time for writing. I found my old writings a few days ago and i really want to start doing that again. Might be looking into that soon!
Have a good evening!

Song of the day - Twenty One Pilots - Kitchen Sink

5.10.2017

More of a serious topic today.


My friend just called me by my birthname today, as a joke. I know he didn't try to intentionally hurt my feelings, but it wasn't funny. Actually not funny at all. Actually so not funny that i broke down crying right as i got home. I know that might sound like overreacting, but I'll try and explain.
Of course he couldn't have known how it would affect me, but because every single one of my friends has already forgotten my birthname ages ago, it struck me like a lightning.  A few of those people in the group don't even know my birthname, which is a super good thing, and now they heard it too. In that group, i'm so used to being able to be myself, that someone reminding me of  who i still legally am in everyone elses eyes hurts like a motherfucker. I guess it breaks down my little happy bubble. I've tried to forget my birthname as much as possible, because it holds so many memories i want to let go of. So much unhappy time, and a broken person. That name is not me anymore.
I can't really even write proper grammar right now, but I wanted to get this out of my system. Remember that it's not ok to joke on a trans persons birthname. Also I have no hard feelings towards this friend of mine, since obviously he didn't know. But for the future, no joking on that please.
Have a good evening!
Song of the day: Stam1na - Kadonneet kolme sanaa
Here are the lyrics and (a bad) English translation, couldn't find a better one, sorry! It's understandable though!

30.9.2017

18.9.2017

Hooray for Finland once more!

So
Great

Finland wants to change the law about changing names again. To a worse direction. I can't find the article again, but it said something like this:
Your first name needs to be verified for your biological sex, meaning that if you're legally female, you have to have a female name. That would mean a whole lot less of unisex names. In the article it said something about exceptions and doctors but i do not trust any of it.
They also want to remove the right to have both sex names. So non-binary people would feel the consequences really hard. We can only hope that this law change will be denied.

Another great thing about Finland:
A newspaper, Aamulehti, told a few days ago, that they will strive for gender neutral occupation terms, like fireman to firefighter. I thought it was actually pretty cool, for the equality of everyone. THEN, the man who represents Finland to the outside world, our Foreign minister, stated that he does not accept this. He told that in nowadays society a man is everything but a man. He also called this an April fool.
And i quote ''Ollaanko todella siirtymässä totuuden jälkeisen aikaan, jossa mies ei ole mies ja nainen ei ole nainen''

Which translates to ''Are we really moving to a time after truth, where a man isn't a man and a woman isn't a woman''
So as you probably noticed, he doesn't really have any kind of sympathy for the lgbtq+ community.

I hope you have a great day!
Song of the day: Robbie Williams - Love my life

12.9.2017

After-weekend feelsies!

Well well, i had an amazing weekend!
I spent the whole weekend in a con and it was awesome, even though i was quite self-conscious of my cosplays. I know nobody probably judged them, but i did. Perfectionist problems :D. I got to enjoy the con nevertheless. I spent a lot of money (again) but i got some awesome stuff!
New books, phone charms, clothes etc. Now i have to wait a year to go there again, which is quite sad because i always feel at home there. The feeling and mood there is so great, and nobody judges you. Obviously there were some people who didn't get the thing about personal space, but luckily nobody bothered me.
The food was great. I had some veggie ramen and a burger meal. I also probably consumed a years worth of Pockys (so that's where my money went (^~^;)ゞ)
I was with two friends and they were great too.
I'm excited for next year!

Song of the day: Soul Eater - In his mind
Have a good day!
Remember to email me any questions :)

1.9.2017

Friday has finally arrived!

Thursday was not the best day in my life. Actually pretty bad. We were outside almost the whole day, and the weather was horrible. We played a lot of games and stuff in random groups and it was bad. Really bad. My social anxiety was not enjoying it. It was raining the whole time, so it turned all muddy and dirty and cold. Now I feel a tad sick

On the other hand, i got to hang out with my friends again yesterday night, and it was really fun. We played games and annoyed eachother like usual. Our band project is also moving forward with new members. Soon we'll have a full team, a drawn logo and hopefully a place to train at. We have yet to decide what song we want to cover first.

It's finally Friday now. Weekend is almost here. The break is seriously needed because school is kinda tough right now. I'll probably spend the weekend reading, cleaning and finishing my cosplay for the upcoming con. A lot of things to do that is! 

I haven't really had time for anything, so I've been kind of inactive here. Hopefully that will change though.

Have a good day!
Song of the day: Twenty One Pilots - Ride
Remember to email me any questions!

24.8.2017

Thursday was not any better.

Ugh. I'm losing my faith in Finnish society more and more.
I ended up reading the comments on one news article concerning Trumps decision to deny trans people from serving in military. There were a few good people, telling that trans folks are equal to all other people.
But
Most of the comments were like this:
''Why deny them completely, they would be good for clearing out landmines''
or
''You could send them to the warzone to use as decoys''
Imean I know they are just comments on the internet, but I don't think they should be allowed anywhere. Nobody says that ''you should send all black people to the warzone as decoys''
Especially after reading yesterdays articles, and these comments today, I just want to live somewhere else.

Song of the day: Troye Sivan - Heaven

Remember to have a good day and email me any questions!

23.8.2017

Wednesday was not a good day to me.

First off, i have lost my faith in humanity again, because of what has happened in Finland. You might not know it, but in Finland, to legally change your sex, you need to be sterilized. That's actually what the law says. You need to be unable to reproduce and you need to have a doctor proving it. I think forced sterilization is against every moral, and is a violation of human rights. Anyways, many countries have been suggesting, that these law should change, and that the transitioning should be based on the patients own will. Well, the Finnish government has today declined all the suggestions. AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, with 0 arguments. Nobody said why they declined them, they just did. It makes me sick to think that a person needs to be forceably sterilized in order to be who they actually are. AND THE FINNISH GOVERNMENT SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. I am unable to understand. I just hope they will change their opinion on this subject.

Finnish: https://ihmisoikeusliitto.fi/suomi-menee-alta-riman-vastauksessaan-ykn-ihmisoikeusneuvostolle/

English: I couldn't find the article in English, but here are all the suggestions, with a little bit of reading the things will be there though, if you are interested.
https://ihmisoikeusliitto.fi/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/FINLAND-full-draft-report-for-circulation-ad-referendum.pdf

Secondly, I've been thinking a lot. Possibly too much. I've been thinking that maybe, when I actually start my hormone replacement treatments, my beard starts growing and I'll actually look like a man, my friends won't see me as the same person anymore, and they'll kinda drift away from me. Imean I probably will change to some extent, but not to a different person. I'm just scared that my friends don't want to hang with me anymore. I don't know, maybe I'm just overthinking a lot.

I'm off to bed now though, hopefully you have had a better day.
Song of the day: Twenty One Pilots - Goner
Remember to email me any questions!

22.8.2017

I'm working to help my old school!

Yesterday, Monday 21.8, i got the chance to send a leaflet about LGBT+ people to my old school. It was my school from 7th to 9th grade, and especially P.E was a pain in my butt.
I got to add my own self-written letter to the leaflet, and i addressed it to my old teachers, especially the P.E teacher. It felt really good to be able to give them something, that might help someone in the future. Someone like me. Now i just have to hope that they read it, and actually think about it.

To my Finnish readers, i'll leave a link to the leaflet. Send one to your own school, to help possible LGTB+ people there, and to help spread knowledge. Ulvilan Yhteiskoulu is receiving one, but if you feel like some other school needs one, here's the link.


Have a good rest of the day, and remember to email me for any questions!

20.8.2017

Sunday positive thoughts

Surprisingly i have some positive thoughts!
I posted a picture on Instagram yesterday, even though i am vveeery self-conscious about my appearance. This morning when i woke up and checked my Instagram page, i was greeted with a load of complimentary comments. They basically made my day, even though they probably are mostly mandatory compliments, the things friends do. But as a trans male, being called handsome is the greatest feeling in the world, especially when i get called pretty by my relatives 1000 times more. It means the world to me that there are people who understand and want to support me.

This post is not just about me, i've talked to a lot of trans people, and they all say that compliments are the biggest boost to self confidence one can get.
To all of you there, remember to call your trans friends handsome/beautiful, it means a lot to them!
(*obviously your other friends too, compliment them all!)

19.8.2017

Hello there!

I'm a trans ftm from the cold country of Finland. I've decided to share my thoughts and complaints, because going through all this alone as a teenager is difficult. I am here though, you can leave a comment or email me to ask any questions, i will answer all of them as well as i can. Harassment and idiotism will not be tolerated, and you will be blocked :).

As of right now, i started a new school, and my appearance there stresses me a lot. I wish to be called Luca, instead of my birthname, which the teachers and my classmates respect surprisingly well. Public bathrooms are a total nuisance, i avoid them as much as possible. My family isn't too supportive of me coming out My mom yelled at me for a day, because she didn't like the fact that i got a single letter, which wasn't even official, with the name i want to be called. Of course i can't get any official papers with that name yet, since it isn't my official name. I've also asked my parents to stop calling me a lady, daughter, etc. but the results haven't been too great. All of my friends call me Luca, but half of them don't understand that i actually want to be a boy, not a girl. I've been moving forward with my transition though, and i might be able to start hormone treatment in the beginning of next year. And with me, i have a few really good friends, who understand and respect me as i am. I'm also very glad that i don't have P.E on this period. I can one day tell you a story about my 7th-9th grade P.E teacher though!

Remember to leave questions for me if you have any, i will gladly answer!
I'll link my social medias if asked.