Hello there, good to see you again!
I haven't updated this blog in about five months, because nothing really happened all summer. I was relatively happy, because I got to choose the people I was around. Then two or three weeks back I went back to school. Well. School causes me a lot of stress, not because it's hard but because my name is an issue there. Since my official name is in all the systems, I have to explain my situation to every single teacher, sometimes multiple times. And because I have different subjects every six weeks, I have different teachers. And more people confused. My class teacher STILL doesn't understand and he has known me since I started there a year ago. He just doesn't really care and it kind of makes me dislike him A lot.
The school also has different restrooms for girls and boys. I can't even begin to tell you how much I try to avoid using the restrooms at school. There is a singular non-gendered restroom in the basement and I thank God for that! I find it super weird why the restrooms need to be gendered, as they are single bathrooms, like the ones you have at home. There are no multiple stalls, it's just the restroom with a single toilet and a sink. Why does it matter who goes there?
I don't like being whiny but these things bother me.
On the other hand I'm happy. I've had great and continuous support from my friends and I've got some newfound motivation to go jogging!
I'll try being active again, and i'll definitely keep you updated if something happens!
Song Of The Day : Twenty One Pilots - My Blood
29.8.2018
4.4.2018
Life is good!
I haven't been posting anything since nothing is really happening in my life right now. I've been concentrating on studying because of my ongoing exam week(s) and practicing singing really hard because of upcoming gigs. Only problem right now is my everlasting spring flu. My voice is only half working and I really hope it'll start working again before the gig.
Since I really have nothing to complain about and spring is right behind the corner I'd like to take this moment to think about good stuff in my life. Some time ago I got my first binder ever (for free, I'm forever thankful) and I've been loving it ever since. I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal but BOI was I wrong. Life has gotten at least 100% easier!
Also I'm feeling the spring. I'm always more down and depressed during the winter, but as soon as the sun starts warming things up and melting the snow and ice I feel like a new person. It rained for the first time this year today (it's been just snowing and raining a mix of snow and water) and I didn't know I missed rain so much. It's super calming to read a book and listen to rain hitting the roof. I can't wait til we get some good thunderstorms here! I also had the first ice latte of the year yesterday. And we even sat outside! And it wasn't cold!
Also only two months of school left. I'm so ready for vacation, even though I might have to work at least a part of the summer. I'm ready for the sunny and warm days, ice cream and hanging out til morning hours with friends.
Lastly a lot of new music has come out lately from my favorite artists and I'm honestly so happy. Music is basically why I exist and these new tracks have really been lifting my mood up. I'm just so torn between which of the new tracks I should listen to!
Because this is my blog, I have to find something to complain about. And even though everything else is going really well in my life and my self esteem is going up and everything is awesome, I feel like something is missing. I'm just a horribly clingy person and I have nobody to cling to and I'm lonely. I know it's stupid to whine about this but loneliness is a horrible feeling and I hate it. I just wish there was someone I could sing all these cheesy songs to. Someone I could sit out and watch the stars with. Maybe they will come around the corner someday. Until then I'll be waiting!
Song Of The Day = BTS - Don't Leave Me
Song Of The Day Pt.2 = iKON - Don't Forget
Since I really have nothing to complain about and spring is right behind the corner I'd like to take this moment to think about good stuff in my life. Some time ago I got my first binder ever (for free, I'm forever thankful) and I've been loving it ever since. I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal but BOI was I wrong. Life has gotten at least 100% easier!
Also I'm feeling the spring. I'm always more down and depressed during the winter, but as soon as the sun starts warming things up and melting the snow and ice I feel like a new person. It rained for the first time this year today (it's been just snowing and raining a mix of snow and water) and I didn't know I missed rain so much. It's super calming to read a book and listen to rain hitting the roof. I can't wait til we get some good thunderstorms here! I also had the first ice latte of the year yesterday. And we even sat outside! And it wasn't cold!
Also only two months of school left. I'm so ready for vacation, even though I might have to work at least a part of the summer. I'm ready for the sunny and warm days, ice cream and hanging out til morning hours with friends.
Lastly a lot of new music has come out lately from my favorite artists and I'm honestly so happy. Music is basically why I exist and these new tracks have really been lifting my mood up. I'm just so torn between which of the new tracks I should listen to!
Because this is my blog, I have to find something to complain about. And even though everything else is going really well in my life and my self esteem is going up and everything is awesome, I feel like something is missing. I'm just a horribly clingy person and I have nobody to cling to and I'm lonely. I know it's stupid to whine about this but loneliness is a horrible feeling and I hate it. I just wish there was someone I could sing all these cheesy songs to. Someone I could sit out and watch the stars with. Maybe they will come around the corner someday. Until then I'll be waiting!
Song Of The Day = BTS - Don't Leave Me
Song Of The Day Pt.2 = iKON - Don't Forget
26.2.2018
Long time no see
I know it's been almost a month since the last time I've posted anything. I've been really busy and just figuring out life. During this time I've had a few really important deep conversations that have made me feel so much better about myself. I've also just realized how much I've been needing and still need a big brother figure in my life. Especially since I have a brother, but have seen him only once, so I'm aware of what I could've had. I've been feeling so down lately, and I think it's partly bcs of that. I don't really know how to explain it, and I might be repeating myself, but bcs I know what I could've had, I know what to miss and need, which is quite unfortunate since I don't have one, and talking to my own brother is not an option.
In other news, I'm finally feeling better. Spending a week with ppl I enjoy being around has been my savior. Late nights and early mornings meant not much sleep, but a lot of fun, talking and jokes. It's even been freezing cold, around -15 centigrades (around 5 degrees^) which I usually hate, but it hasn't been bothering me much at all.
I'm looking forward to being able to post more regularly again!
Song of The Day: BIGBANG - LOSER
(I know the song and my post don't go exactly hand in hand, but I find the tune somehow comforting. It sounds funny, but I feel good when I listen to it)
In other news, I'm finally feeling better. Spending a week with ppl I enjoy being around has been my savior. Late nights and early mornings meant not much sleep, but a lot of fun, talking and jokes. It's even been freezing cold, around -15 centigrades (around 5 degrees^) which I usually hate, but it hasn't been bothering me much at all.
I'm looking forward to being able to post more regularly again!
Song of The Day: BIGBANG - LOSER
(I know the song and my post don't go exactly hand in hand, but I find the tune somehow comforting. It sounds funny, but I feel good when I listen to it)
28.1.2018
I'm really bad at coming up with titles!
I still don't have anything smart to say, just venting my thoughts again!
I've had really rough times lately, for no reason at all. I'm annoyed by everything and I'm about to break down crying for the smallest reasons. Earlier today I dropped my plate and started bawling almost instantly. And I had just dropped a plate, nothing worse. This has been going on for a few weeks now and it worries me, because usually if I get episodes like this they last a few days max. There's constantly this heavy feeling on my chest, that won't go away. The exam week starting tomorrow, doesn't help my mood at all, and I'm extremely stressed about our gig on Saturday, because I'm having a really annoying flu rn.
On the other hand, I've probably never laughed as much as I did last week. I've had really fun with friends, and I've listened to my feel-good music, which makes me even more suspicious of my constant bad feelings. I'll just hope this gets better soon, it's tiring to feel like this, especially when there's no reason.
Let's keep positive thoughts in our minds!
Song of the day: Agust D - Agust D
Yoongi 100% sent me to Hongkong with that song if you know what I mean
I've had really rough times lately, for no reason at all. I'm annoyed by everything and I'm about to break down crying for the smallest reasons. Earlier today I dropped my plate and started bawling almost instantly. And I had just dropped a plate, nothing worse. This has been going on for a few weeks now and it worries me, because usually if I get episodes like this they last a few days max. There's constantly this heavy feeling on my chest, that won't go away. The exam week starting tomorrow, doesn't help my mood at all, and I'm extremely stressed about our gig on Saturday, because I'm having a really annoying flu rn.
On the other hand, I've probably never laughed as much as I did last week. I've had really fun with friends, and I've listened to my feel-good music, which makes me even more suspicious of my constant bad feelings. I'll just hope this gets better soon, it's tiring to feel like this, especially when there's no reason.
Let's keep positive thoughts in our minds!
Song of the day: Agust D - Agust D
Yoongi 100% sent me to Hongkong with that song if you know what I mean
6.1.2018
It's almost 1 AM and I can't sleep so I'll ramble here!
I was rolling in bed and couldn't sleep because of messy thoughts so i decided to write them here. This is gonna be a total mess but I hope you'll get something out of it.
First I want to talk about the song of the days i add to the end of my posts. Nothing much about them, other that they're from really different genres and i suggest listening at least a bit of them, because I myself discovered a whole new world of music that has been my support through so much trouble through a blog and Song of the days. They don't all fit in the same playlist but they tell a bit about the mood i was in when i wrote the post.
From one thing to another, I've started writing a story and was thinking if I should it somewhere. I used to write a lot but stopped almost completely because of anxiety and self-consciousness. For once i think this story is reeeaally cool, so if someone is interested in a supernatural fight against the corrupted government, hit me up!
From another thing to a third one, we've made really good progress with our band, and we have our first gig in only a month! Granted it's only one or two songs, not even our own but there will be people there, listening to OUR music. I'm so nervous, but I trust my bandmates and I'm sure we'll deliver! If you're interested in hearing some of our music, open your Instagram and search for @sevensealsband , there's actually some good bits here and there!
From the third thing to a flowerpot, I've been kind of lonely lately. Not as in friends, because I have a whole ton of friends and I appreciate their existence very much, but a different kind of lonely. A closer kind of lonely. I've been single for about six months, maybe more, and I'm just a ttaad lonely. But when it comes to that, I have ssoo much things on my mind like self-esteem issues and social awkwardness so I'm kind of just accepting that I'll probably be single for a looong time. I'll cuddle myself for now!
From the flowerpot to the finishing lines. Some ppl have been asking me why i write a blog about these things, why I'm ''spreading my private things all over the internet''. Well, I'm doing it because it helps me and my anxiety to write my thoughts down and know that someone is reading them, possibly empathizing with what I have to say. Secondly, no matter how weird it sounds, this is a great opportunity for me to get better at writing English, and just writing in general, like sentence structures and avoiding repetitive wordings. Thirdly, if ever a trans kid or adult or whoever finds this blog, and relates to anything in here, or maybe finds some hope, or Something, my writing hasn't been for nothing. I know that especially when I was younger I would've loved someone like me to just share what's on their mind, so that I'd know I'm not alone with my thoughts.
Huh. I feel a lot better already! Hope you have a good rest of the night!
Song of the Day: Twenty One Pilots - Message Man
First I want to talk about the song of the days i add to the end of my posts. Nothing much about them, other that they're from really different genres and i suggest listening at least a bit of them, because I myself discovered a whole new world of music that has been my support through so much trouble through a blog and Song of the days. They don't all fit in the same playlist but they tell a bit about the mood i was in when i wrote the post.
From one thing to another, I've started writing a story and was thinking if I should it somewhere. I used to write a lot but stopped almost completely because of anxiety and self-consciousness. For once i think this story is reeeaally cool, so if someone is interested in a supernatural fight against the corrupted government, hit me up!
From another thing to a third one, we've made really good progress with our band, and we have our first gig in only a month! Granted it's only one or two songs, not even our own but there will be people there, listening to OUR music. I'm so nervous, but I trust my bandmates and I'm sure we'll deliver! If you're interested in hearing some of our music, open your Instagram and search for @sevensealsband , there's actually some good bits here and there!
From the third thing to a flowerpot, I've been kind of lonely lately. Not as in friends, because I have a whole ton of friends and I appreciate their existence very much, but a different kind of lonely. A closer kind of lonely. I've been single for about six months, maybe more, and I'm just a ttaad lonely. But when it comes to that, I have ssoo much things on my mind like self-esteem issues and social awkwardness so I'm kind of just accepting that I'll probably be single for a looong time. I'll cuddle myself for now!
From the flowerpot to the finishing lines. Some ppl have been asking me why i write a blog about these things, why I'm ''spreading my private things all over the internet''. Well, I'm doing it because it helps me and my anxiety to write my thoughts down and know that someone is reading them, possibly empathizing with what I have to say. Secondly, no matter how weird it sounds, this is a great opportunity for me to get better at writing English, and just writing in general, like sentence structures and avoiding repetitive wordings. Thirdly, if ever a trans kid or adult or whoever finds this blog, and relates to anything in here, or maybe finds some hope, or Something, my writing hasn't been for nothing. I know that especially when I was younger I would've loved someone like me to just share what's on their mind, so that I'd know I'm not alone with my thoughts.
Huh. I feel a lot better already! Hope you have a good rest of the night!
Song of the Day: Twenty One Pilots - Message Man
4.1.2018
New year new me! (not)
Well, nothing interesting has happened in my life, I've just been trapped in my thoughts. I've been wondering so many things and I don't really know how or where to get answers.
First off, I've been wondering how to tell new people i meet that I'm trans. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging about being a special snowflake, but I find it important for ppl to know that I identify as a male. Like how do I bring the subject up? Do I just go like ''btw this is a thing'' or what? That's like the most awkward thing I can imagine??
Other thing I've been wondering is traveling as trans. I could start my testosterone this year, but I'm going to Japan in the spring of 2019. Because of Finland's laws, my passport will say I'm female until I'm 18 and will do the needed steps for it. I was wondering if I can travel with a female passport even though my beard is growing. Probably not. So I wondered if I can get some special things or if I just have to wait for t until that trip is over. That would be the worst case scenario because I've really been waiting to start t.
Well I'll keep wondering!
Song of the day: Muse - Madness
First off, I've been wondering how to tell new people i meet that I'm trans. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging about being a special snowflake, but I find it important for ppl to know that I identify as a male. Like how do I bring the subject up? Do I just go like ''btw this is a thing'' or what? That's like the most awkward thing I can imagine??
Other thing I've been wondering is traveling as trans. I could start my testosterone this year, but I'm going to Japan in the spring of 2019. Because of Finland's laws, my passport will say I'm female until I'm 18 and will do the needed steps for it. I was wondering if I can travel with a female passport even though my beard is growing. Probably not. So I wondered if I can get some special things or if I just have to wait for t until that trip is over. That would be the worst case scenario because I've really been waiting to start t.
Well I'll keep wondering!
Song of the day: Muse - Madness
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